Exile
by ViolentAi
Summary: As punishment for their past deeds, Lucius and Draco are sentenced to two years in Muggle America with no wands. Humor and later some romantic OC pairings. After book 7, disregards epilogue. Please read and review!
1. Prologue

**Exile**

Author's Note: Hi, all! This is my first fanfiction in about six years. Oh, how time passes! I'm a bit rusty on my writing skills, but the old noggin's full of ideas that are bursting to get out! So, here I go! The Malfoys have long been my favourite HP characters to read/write ff about. They're just so delicious, don't you agree? Anyway, this is the first chapter of a story about Draco and Lucius having to live as Muggles and the shenanigans they get into. I apologize for the woefully short chapter, the next one will be longer (and better!) Please read and review if you want more! 3

**Prologue**

Nearly four months had passed since the Battle of Hogwarts. Funerals had been held for the fallen, good and evil, and trials had been going non-stop for the captured Death Eaters. Azkaban was rapidly filling up with prisoners. Which was proving to be quite a problem for the Ministry.

"You want to _what_?" yelped Minister McGonagall. "Don't be absurd, Miss Granger!"

Hermione sighed. She had expected this sort of reaction. "I know it's a lot to wrap your mind around, Minister, but I think if we just try it then we might find it to be very effective!"

"Sending dangerous Dark witches and wizards out into the Muggle world is simply out of the question! Imagine the damage they could do! The innocent people they could torture, or worse! Not to mention the amount of times that the Ministry would be forced to send Obliviators to clean up their messes! I'm sorry, Hermione, I know you mean well by your-"

"Minister, please, just listen." Hermione interrupted the newly-appointed Minister of Magic. "Imagine if we just test this on one or two of the prisoners in Azkaban. We can use some of the less violent ones who turned at the end of the war to our side. Why waste cells in Azkaban on them when we can...rehabilitate them? Take them away from their wizard lifestyles where everything is done by magic and force them to live like the people that they used to look down upon? It could knock them down a peg or two, and when their sentence is up they would come back to the wizarding world as completely new people."

McGonagall stared at the young witch. "And I imagine you've already chosen the best candidates fr this little scheme of yours, haven't you?"

Hermione chuckled. Of course she had. "Well, actually... I've been looking through the Ministry's files on all of the people still awaiting trial, and have selected two wizards who would be ideal candidates."

"And who might that be, Miss Granger?"

Hermione smiled a toothy, rather devious little grin that reminded the ex-professor of a certain pair of red-haired twins. "Lucius and Draco Malfoy."


	2. The Trial

**Author's Note: Dang, this chapter turned out even longer than I was trying for! * is proud of herself * This is my first real chapter for this story, so please please read, review and enjoy! **

* * *

**Doomed**

The courtroom was packed rather full in comparison with the last few weeks' trials. Of course, the last few weeks had consisted mostly of clearing the names of people who'd been under the Imperius Curse, or trials for sleazy characters like Mundungus who were given either a hefty fine or a light sentence in Azkaban.

Hermione fidgeted nervously in her seat. It was one thing to propose the idea to her old Transfiguration professor, but it was completely different and more terrifying to reveal her plan to a whole courtroom full of witches and wizards.

Hermione waved skittishly when her friends entered the court room, but did not get up from her bench. Harry noticed this and came over to sit next to her. "You alright, 'Mione?" he asked, placing an arm reassuringly around her shoulders.

The brunette exhaled deeply. "Yes, I'll be fine, Harry. I'm just nervous..." Hermione hadn't even told Harry about her plan for the Malfoys yet, preferring for some reason to keep it a surprise.

"You'll do great, Hermione." he smiled soothingly. "Just be strong and give those Malfoys the sentence they deserve." Seeing that the trial was about to commence, Harry stood up and went to leave, but Hermione called after him.

"Harry!"

"Yeah, 'Mione?" the Boy Who Lived turned and answered.

Hermione paused. "What _do_ you think they deserve?" she asked, looking down at the files in her lap.

Harry paused, taken aback by the question. He walked back to his friend and stood in front of her, leaning against the railing that separated the onlookers from where the accused would soon be sitting. "Dunno, Hermione...that's a tough question. I know the other Death Eaters have testified that Mr. Malfoy was barely involved in Voldemort's plans after he failed to get the prophecy from me. And I know it's true that he spent the whole Battle of Hogwarts running around looking for his wife and son. And his wife died that night..." Harry sighed and pressed his hand to his temple. "I kind of feel like that was almost punishment enough.

"As for Draco, he never did manage to kill anyone, much to Voldemort's disappointment. I think deep down he's not quite as much of a badass as he always pretended to be. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to see him taken down a few pegs, but I think Azkaban could be too brutal. What if wizarding prison destroys any chances of him becoming a new person?" Harry looked up and gave Hermione a weak smile. "I s'pose the best idea I could offer is just a light sentence, maybe only a couple months in Azkaban. Though that doesn't seem like the best idea..." He shrugged. "It's tricky. I'm glad I don't have your job!"

Hermione smiled. "Thanks, Harry. Now you'd best get to your seat before Ginny figures you're staying down here and gives it away." She laughed inwardly to herself as she watched her friend dash up the stairs. Now she was sure she would have at least one supporter of her new program.

The courtroom quieted as the two Malfoy men were led in in handcuffs. Lucius stood tall and proud, arrogant as always, although Hermione thought that she could see a hint of weariness in his eyes.

Draco, on the other hand, jerked around and sneered at his captors. _Same old Draco_, thought Hermione, resisting the urge to roll her eyes. As the men were seated and their cuffs replaced with the magical restraints, she gathered her things and stood up.

The courtroom was dead silent as Hermione approached the center of the room. The look on Draco Malfoy's face, thought Hermione, was priceless. The men had not been told that Hermione Granger would be their prosecutor. Hermione cleared her throat and began.

"Members of the Wizengamot and the Wizarding community, welcome. I am here today to lead the trial of Messrs Malfoy and Malfoy.

"As we all know, both of these men have been proven as Death Eaters. They both have long histories as pureblood supremacists, Muggle-haters, and casters of the Unforgivable curses, chiefly the Imperius Curse." There was a low murmur in the seated crowds, and the two men on trial deflated, seemingly resigned to a long sentence in Azkaban.

"However, testimonies provided over the past few months have shed some new light on these two." Hermione opened her first file and began explaining her findings to the court.

* * *

The older of the two Malfoys listened to the speech Hermione was giving with rapt attention. Was it just him, or was the Muggle-born girl he'd always hated actually defending him? He listened as she explained to the court his lack of involvement in the more detestable Death Eater activities over the last year of the Dark Lord's life. Lucius wondered idly why that had happened. He supposed that even after the Dark Lord had finished punishing him for his failure at the Ministry, he'd just not been in the mood for death and torture. He had often thought to himself that perhaps he had just gone soft.

He came out of his reverie as Granger was finishing up her explanation. He could tell she was building suspense until she finally revealed her plan. Lucius hoped the passionate young attorney would give him and his son a gentle sentence.

"...And so, if it pleases the Wizengamot, I'd like to propose a brand new method of punishment, the effectiveness of which will be tested by the Malfoys." The entire court was waiting with baited breath.

Hermione braced herself and calmly announced, "I'd like to sentence Messrs Malfoy and Malfoy to two years of life in the Muggle world with no connection to or assistance from the Wizarding world..." She paused. "And no wands."

* * *

Draco nearly fainted when Granger finished speaking. The room had gone eerily silent, and then, like the Great Hall at mealtime, had burst into hundreds of different voices talking, laughing, arguing about the proposal. _I'm doomed... _he thought to himself. He was both repulsed and terrified at the idea of living with no magic. Two years? How would he manage? Everything had always been done for him by house-elves. They folded his laundry, cooked his meals and even ran his bath water. He'd been born into a life of luxury and now it was over. All over.

Draco looked over at his father. Under the carefully groomed mane of pale blonde hair, his face had turned a rather unattractive shade of red. He looked like he was trying to hex the witch who had just destroyed all of his hopes and dreams. Draco remembered his father's fits of rage when Draco had gotten in trouble at school. _Better hide the good china tonight_, he thought to himself. Then he remembered that he probably wouldn't be returning to the manor and sighed sadly.

He could hear his old non-Slytherin schoolmates, especially the Weasleys and that damned Potter, in the crowd, laughing and applauding as the Wizengamot deliberated this new idea. He moaned to himself and hung his head.

* * *

A few hours later, the Malfoys were being loaded into a car by a group of Aurors, who took far too much delight in officially confiscating their wands. As Lucius sadly handed over his serpent-topped cane, he wondered if this was worth it. The Wizengamot had decided to give them a choice between two years in Muggle-land or three years in Azkaban. Lucius had been sure he could have made it through prison, but one look at his son had made up his mind for him. The boy was too frail emotionally after everything that had happened to him to make it through the horrors he would encounter in wizard prison.

Lucius grimaced and got into the car next to his son. Two years was a long time, he thought to himself. They had better have good alcohol in the Muggle world.

* * *

AN: **To Muggle-land we go! Next chapter should be up in around a week, and of course I'll try to hurry even more if I get lots of reviews and alert adds! ^_^ if you'd like, could you please tell me which normal household object you think Draco and Lucius should encounter first? Ideas I like will be added to upcoming chapters! Thanks!**


	3. Cell Phones and Infomercials

**Alright, here's chapter three, FINALLY... I'm so sorry this took so long, I took on two jobs this summer plus a summer class that I had thought would be a lot easier, so I just haven't had time or energy to write. BUT I have more time off in the next two weeks and I've already got the next chapter laid out, so the next update shouldn't be too far off! As usual, I own none of these characters, but if JK Rowling wouldn't mind lending me Draco or Lucius for a night, I promise to put them to very good use. ;) If you like this chapter and want to see more, please add this to your favourites and/or leave a review! Reviews are the best, they really do inspire me to write more. A big thanks to everyone who's read and alerted this story already!**

"...alright Draco, now it's your turn. Will you please explain back to me how to use the telephone to make a phone call?"

Draco rolled his eyes. They'd been at this for nearly two hours. Once the ministry cars had dropped the Malfoys off at their new home, their bossy young prosecutor had showed up. She had taken it upon herself to give them a few basic lessons on how to use things like light switches and the garbage disposal, and was now teaching them how to use a device known as a "phone." Lucius and Draco had initially been resistant to her help, until she had shown them the kitchen and asked if either of them had ever cooked before. Draco could have sworn he'd seen her trying to suppress a smirk when he and his father had sighed and shaken their heads simultaneously.

After the lesson on cell phone use, Hermione showed the two men to the living room. "This," she said, gesturing toward a large, rectangular black thing, "is a television. Most muggles refer to it as a TV or the telly."

"And what precisely is the function of _this _wonderful invention?" asked the elder Malfoy sorely. While he knew these lessons were invaluable to he and his son, being in this new environment and learning all of this new information had made him very tired, both mentally and physically. His mind began to wander and he wondered if muggle beds were anywhere near as comfortable as his own back home.

"Well, I'll show you." answered Hermione, pulling Lucius out of his thoughts. She took a wand-sized black rectangle off the couch and showed it to the Malfoys. "This is a remote. It controls the television." Lucius groaned inwardly. That thing must have had over thirty buttons! After his lesson on the microwave and the toaster oven, he wasn't sure how many more buttons he could learn.

Hermione pointed the remote at the TV and pressed a button. Suddenly, the big black rectangle was showing images of a group of scantily clad young women gyrating to music that Lucius found rather obnoxious. The father and son stared at the brightly lit screen as the music emitted from the TV was interrupted by a male voice informing them that this band's "hot new single" was now available on a thing called itunes.

Hermione had to work seriously hard not to laugh as Draco Malfoy, his eyes wide with wonder, walked slowly up to the TV screen and tapped on it. He jumped back abruptly as the screen changed to images of a bearded man with a booming voice telling them about stain removers.

"Hey!" exclaimed Draco with a mixture of surprise and disappointment. He appeared to much prefer the girl band to this infomercial. "Bring back the girls!" he shouted at the bearded man, who was now demonstrating his fast-acting new spray. "I don't care about getting stains out of my shirt! I want to see more of those dancing women!" he put his face close to the screen and glared dangerously at the man.

At this, the young witch could hold in her laughter no more. Lucius and Draco glared at her as she laughed uproariously for a minute or two before calming down. Finally, she straightened herself up and wiped the tears from her face. "D-draco," she gasped, still trying to steady her breathing, "Draco, they can't hear you. Televisions don't work both ways; what you're watching is a pre-recorded scene acted out in a studio somewhere and then broadcast out to televisions." she looked at both the mens faces and to little surprise, it seemed that they didn't understand. "Look, those girls are in a band together, and that was an advertisement for their new album. Then after that advertisement was over, a different one came on. On TV, they put advertisements between the shows. In a way, it's kind of like the radio, only you can see the people."

Lucius nodded slowly, beginning to comprehend. "So, what are these shows about?"

"Oh, anything." replied the witch, smiling. "There are shows about cooking. There are shows where they tell you the news, although it's always a bit biased in one direction or another if you ask me. There are educational shows about animals and history and there are shows that just talk gossip about celebrities. Pretty much anything you can imagine is on the television. I highly recommend you watch it. You can learn a lot about how muggles live and what they like from watching television." She held up the remote again. "These buttons change the channels and these buttons make it louder and quieter. And this one turns it off and on. The rest you can figure out yourself."

Hermione checked the clock on her cell phone and pulled a small book from her bag. She handed it to Lucius and gave them both a small smile. "Well, it's time for me to leave you two to explore your new home. I've helped you figure out a few things, and hopefully muggle living won't take too long to adjust to. If you have any questions, consult that book. I bought it at Flourish and Blott's for you, it's called A Wizard's Guide to Basic Muggle Housekeeping. It should come in handy." Hermione paused and looked down. "The Ministry had no intention of helping you two get settled or teaching you how to adapt to muggle life. The entire Wizarding world is having quite the laugh at your circumstances. That being said..." she gestured awkwardly toward the book. "if there's ever an emergency, my phone number is written in the back of that book."

There was an uncomfortable silence as everybody looked at their feet, unsure of what to say. Finally, Lucius took a breath and spoke up. "Thank you, Miss Granger. For keeping us out of Azkaban and for helping us here." Although he still abhorred the idea of life as a muggle, he still preferred it to a cramped cell in Azkaban and knew the witch had done he and his son an enormous favour that they probably had not deserved.

Hermione smiled and gave him a small nod. She put her hand out and shook his, then Draco's. "I'll be back in a week to check on you two. Try not to burn the house down or starve to death, alright?" Draco and Lucius nodded gravely, both knowing that with their knowledge of the muggle world both of these events were actually likely.

Hermione headed towards the front door. "Any last-minute questions?" asked the witch kindly.

"Yes, just one." answered the younger Malfoy.

"Sure, what is it?"

Draco gestured toward the TV, which was playing an american pop song sung by a blonde woman. "What's a disco stick?"

**Aaand that's chapter three! Next chapter is all about Lucius and Draco fending for themselves during their first week in the muggle world. What will they eat? Will Draco become a couch potato? Will Lucius' expensive clothes make it through the wash? Please leave a review and let me know what fun things YOU think the Malfoys should learn about during their hellish adjustment period! ;) **


	4. Toast and Scones

**Wow, two chapters in two weeks! I'm impressed with myself! ^_^ Of course it might have to do with the extension my summer class just gave me, which gives me more free time to derp around on etsy and fanfiction. :3 Anyhoo, this chapter's been in my head for a bit, and now it's here for you all! I hope you like it! Yes, I sent Lucius and Draco to America, don't shoot - I know nothing about European culture and that's the only way to make this story work. Also, I'm disappointed nobody got the Billy Mays reference in last chapter. :( There's an important decision that I'm going to need reader feedback on at the end of this chapter, so please read and review!**

* * *

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

"FUCK!"

"What the hell is making that obnoxious beeping sound?"

"I don't know!"

"Well make it stop! And PUT THAT BLOODY FIRE OUT!"

"I'm trying!"

"Well then, at least open the windows so all this smoke can get out!"

Lucius Malfoy dashed through the kitchen and shoved his son away from the toaster, which had flames and a great deal of black smoke coming out of it. He went to pour water in it when a line from the book Hermione had given them popped into his head - "NEVER EVER EVER GET ANYTHING THAT PLUGS INTO AN ELECTRIC SOCKET WET WHILE IT IS PLUGGED IN, AND PREFERABLY NOT WHEN IT IS UNPLUGGED EITHER." He reached behind it for the black cord and yanked it out of the wall. "What the bloody hell were you trying to make with it anyway?" he demanded of his son while trying to figure out how to safely put the small fire out.

"Toast."

It was only three days since they had been left on their own, and this was the second fire to occur in the kitchen. The first time had been when Lucius had tried to make a simple pasta and had let the noodles burn in the pan. Lucius sighed. He was pretty sure it took a special kind of incompetence to burn toast and noodles.

Once the two men had gotten the kitchen under control (the toaster now safely cooled down and in the trash bin), Draco sat at the table and put his head in his hands. The beeping had stopped, but his headache had not gone away. "Father, I'm sorry about the fire. I just wanted an easy snack...guess I shoved the bread in too hard."

Lucius laid a hand on his son's shoulder, feeling discouraged himself. "It's alright, Draco. I suppose we're one for one now with lighting food on fire." He paused. "We're going to have to go shopping for food today if we want to eat a real meal."

Draco looked up at his father. This was the first time he'd suggested leaving the house, going out into muggle-land. "I don't know, Father... do you think we're ready?"

"It doesn't really matter if we are or not, we're out of the already prepared food and we're down a toaster. There's supposed to be a small grocery store not far from here that we can walk to." Lucius was sure that his first time out in the muggle world would lead to some kind of small disaster, but at least there probably wouldn't be fire.

Draco seemed to have reached the same conclusion and stood up next to his father. "Alright then, but you're the one talking to the cashier if they ask any funny questions."

Half an hour later, Lucius and Draco were standing inside the entrance of a grocery store, staring at a row of shopping carts that had just been put there by an employee wearing a bright orange vest.

"What d'you suppose those are for?" asked the younger Malfoy of his father.

Lucius glanced at the carts and into the store, where he saw an elderly woman placing a small box in her cart. "I think we push them around with us and place the things we plan to purchase in them." Lucius glanced at the rickety shopping carts and remembered that they hadn't been wiped down before being left for customers to use. "Correction. YOU will be pushing one."

Draco shrugged and pushed the cart into the store with his father beside him. Neither of them had ever been shopping for things they actually needed before, even in the wizarding world. It had been considered house elf work. But now, with hungry stomachs and a credit card (linked to their massive vault at Gringotts, Granger had assured them), the two men braced themselves and began down the first aisle.

* * *

Draco decided that shopping wasn't that bad. He and his father were nearly finished after about two hours. They had learned a lot, he thought, from reading the labels on the products and asking questions of the helpful staff. The store had a bakery and Draco had been delighted to discover that his favourite treat, scones, were sold in America.

Being forced to live in America was also a good thing, he had to begrudgingly admit to himself. Being foreigners had given them an excuse to be confused or surprised by anything when muggles were around. All they had to do was look awkward and mumble "we're not from around here, sorry" (which came quite naturally to Draco when he'd been caught marveling loudly at a display for blenders by a middle-aged woman) and people would just smile and offer to explain things.

Lucius had also seemed to sincerely enjoy picking out food ingredients, his eyes lighting up as he carefully compared fresh fruits and vegetables. Draco had a hunch that once they had figured out how to cook without lighting things on fire, spending time in the kitchen might develop into a serious hobby for his father.

While his father paid for the groceries (which was bound to be another awkward experience that Draco did not wish to be present for), Draco wandered over to a small kiosk near the entrance to the store. When they'd come in to the store there had been a long line at the counter, and he was curious as to what they sold that wasn't available on a shelf in the store.

As he approached, Draco caught a whiff of espresso and hot milk. _Ah, a coffee shop,_ he concluded.

As he turned to walk away, curiosity quenched, the barista working there stood up from stocking a display case full of cookies. Draco's heart nearly stopped as he found himself looking at the most beautiful creature he had ever seen in his entire life.

* * *

**Woot! Finally some potential romance XO Sooo here is my question for you all. Should I make Draco gay? I'm personally leaning heavily toward "yes," but I'd like to know what my readers think. So please leave a review and let me know! If enough people prefer their Draco straight I will be happy to comply. Plus, how do I know you like the story at all if you aren't reviewing? I will try to reply to all of the reviews on this chapter, I promise. :)**


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